How to Be a Bad Salesman
An informative guide by Josh Hillmann.
Working in retail has made me realize that I’m not a very good salesman. Specifically, being a salesman has made me realize that I’m not a very good salesman. Luckily my employer doesn’t care too much about how well I sell items and I don’t make commission, so it’s a negligible fact. Selling electronics and accessories for electronics is just one part of my tedious work life. However, it is one part I am terrifically bad at. And I’m going to tell you how you can be as bad as I am!
1. Give Customer Lots of Options
When asked which camera to buy, I pretty much always tell them that, “Well, Nikons, Canons and Sony are the top brands. You pretty much can’t go wrong with them. So…” Even when it’s been narrowed down, I’ll still give them a few choices, because I don’t want to be burdened with the knowledge that I’m choosing a camera for them. I could go into a huge spiel about how everyone should make their own decisions or how people only like the illusion of choice, but I think truthfully I just don’t want to take on the responsibility of Camera Chooser.
What you’re supposed to do: Tell the customer that one item is amazing and he NEEDS IT. What I do: Tell customer that there are plenty of options. Overwhelm them with choices until she leaves.
2. Be Incredibly Passive
We’re supposed to sell a lot of accessories. My solution to this is to meekly suggest that, maybe they should get a case for their Kindle or, perhaps they need an SD card for their new camera. How about a protection plan for that new product?
Mostly people say that they’ll pick that stuff up later, don’t need it or already have an SD card at home. And instead of pushing the subject, I just drop it, because honestly I don’t really care much if they buy it or not. My job doesn’t pay me enough to actually push sales. Depending on my mood I won’t even suggest the protection plans because, let’s be honest, they’re mostly scams.
What you’re supposed to do: Make the customer think he needs the accessories/protection plan. It’s not optional, it’s a necessity. What I do: Suggest accessories and if she says no, oh well what can ya do.
3. Be Awkward
Charismatic people make good salesmen. I am not very charismatic. I am pretty awkward and soft-spoken and matter-of-fact. I don’t really push products or accessories on people to try to get that extra sale, nor do I convince them to buy anything with my interpersonal skills. It’s just not something I can do. My main sales tactic, if you could call it that, is to basically just lay out the facts of a product. If the customer likes what I’ve told him (and usually he already wanted to buy the product anyway) he buys it. I mean, sure, I’ll lay some words of praise on products sometimes, but that’s only when I really do like the product. Other than that, I just give my knowledge and opinions on different products and let the buyer decide.
What you’re supposed to do: Use your interpersonal skills and charisma to sell customers on products and accessories. What I do: Plainly inform the customer about the product and probably insult his mother in the process.
These are the three core steps to becoming a bad salesman. Pretty much everything else is just personal choice and finesse. If you want to personally insult the customer, that goes a long way toward ensuring she doesn’t buy anything. I like to keep my job, though, so I wait for the customers to leave before insulting them. But being a bad salesman is flexible, and you can do whatever your heart desires! (Except sell a lot of stuff. You can’t do that.)
Hello, my name's Josh and I might be a hipster (you decide!). I've been blogging and designing in some form for the past eight or so years and I think I'm starting to get the hang of it (once again, you decide!). I love indie music, coming of age stories, sarcasm, video games, and aesthetics. At the moment I'm working part-time and going to college with hopes of being a web designer. 
